A Sinner Like Me
The logical next step; the sobering journey to being sober
Introspection, as it often does with me, comes in waves, and crashes hard.
I have struggled long with, self-identification with myself and my journey. So many versions of myself lingering in the shadows of the past, and in my mind.
There I was, sitting in meditation, by the ocean, celebrating with vigor, the next phase of the seasons, the next great cosmic event, a new time for shedding, renewing, and opening; the summer solstice. And suddenly, the connection made sense.
Choosing a life of sobriety, isn’t as dramatic as I’m making it seem, for most people, but for me, it signified the right direction, the timely steps, and a new-directed forgiveness towards myself and my body for every pill, powder, liquid I seeped into my cells.
I often tell people, I feel like I’ve lived a thousand lives in 28 short years.
A thousand stories, a thousand adventures, all wild, unbelievable at times, and for me, kind of head spinning—like a never ending roller coaster ride of wtf.
It’s too easy for me, to brutalize my decisions, to tally up my mistakes and put them all in a blender of an unconscionable reality.
Every tidbit that I occasionally spill out to people around me is always met with the response of, “your life sounded insane! You need to write a book!”
The stereotypical wild child came into true fruition when I finally retired from track and field when I was 22.
Finally feeling like the universe granted me permission to be free, but in a freedom I understand now, was completely fraudulent.
In the chaotic endeavor post-athleticism, there comes a desperation to forge a new identity in the world. Similar to anyone in their early 20’s, but x100 when you’ve spent years of your life pursuing one thing that is now suddenly gone.
You’ll find the tale is as old as time, when you feel low, you turn to the quick fix, the easy release, figuring that if your vision is blurred then you no longer see the failure, disappointment, and lack—
—At least for a little while, until it all comes back the next morning accompanied by a blinding headache.
I though escapism was such a lucid concept. Alcohol had trained my brain to escape on cue—so much so that a vivid memory comes to mind, when I was on something, or many things, lying on a hotel bathroom floor, praying for a trap door.
One time, someone jokingly said to me, “What are you running away from?” when I told them all the places I was before landing in Miami.
Nothing, is what I thought immediately, but then I realized in a way, I’ve been running from myself.
Versions of myself scattered around North America, phases, beliefs, traumas, fears, adventures—all me, but not who I Am.
I realized we were all running from something, every time we needed a substance to interfere with our reality. Not consciously, most of the time, “it’s just a drink with a friend,” but even in that lies the lies of society.
Our identities wrapped into, “having a good time,” “partying hard,” “blacking out and falling over,” “getting wasted.”
It became important to me to change that narrative—
The girl who saw weakness in her younger, bullied self, but found liquid courage in every liquor bottle, now saw guilt, shame, embarrassment, in all the preceding phases, unconsciously holding onto the past, by not being able to honor the seasons, and see how they guided me here.
My Uber driver the other day was asking me what I do for fun. I said,”Um, yoga, cooking…reading…”
He asked, “Damn, so you don’t drink and go out???”
I reflected for a moment, and said, “Hahah noo not anymore, I don’t drink.”
“NEVER?”
“Not anymore no.” I said with a smile.
“Why did you decide that?” He asked quietly while peaking at me from the rear view mirror.
I paused. “It felt like, like the logical next step.”
For me, my life appears as a series of steps. Some periods, I was skipping, others dragging my feet, taking big steps and small ones. All leading to what, I’m not sure, but I feel myself getting there.
Nature reminds us of our intertwinement with phases and seasons. The changing and adapting, but most importantly remembering that each one, prepares us for the next.
For awhile, I still looked back on every passing year with subtle cringes, of my decisions, of what I labeled as mistakes. Instead of honoring each phase as it came, in the same way we honor the Moon’s phases as we stare in awe at the skies illuminated by a bright, perfect circle.
I thought I would need a big hooplah, a “go out with a bang” kind of night to end my days of drinking alcohol, but instead it came at a gradual pace.
The last 3 years in Miami, as I slowly began committing myself to a more holistic lifestyle, and thus became the foundation of my business and purpose in this world—I just began gravitating towards things that only made me feel good, and beccame turned off by anything that made me feel the opposite.
That’s why it was logical, because it was so easy.
I think when it comes to “addiction” not saying I was addicted, but in reality anything that makes us feel good is a little addicting, the cold turkey route rarely ever works out.
Every few months, my partner and I would get a wine bottle, or go out for a drink with friends, and I would take a few sips and my body was just saying, “no.”
When you commit to really getting to know yourself, through several different modalities like meditation, stillness, yin, you start to listen to your body so intensely, that almost everything you do starts to become conscious.
This feeling was accompanied by my research into optimal brain health—understanding fully, the way this substance is a true poison for the human body (maybe I’ll go into more detail about this in a separate blog).
It just all made sense, it all came together, and I was ready to love, but also close, that chapter of my life.
In discovering presence, I realized I never wanted to leave the Now. I’m not running anymore (pun intended), I’m here to feel it all.
I’ve become immersed recently in the studies of reincarnation. The idea that we come back again and again to experience new experiences and see how we can evolve our energy, and therefore evolve the human race.
I came to understand, and deeply honor every decision I’ve made in my life, each one outlined perfectly to deliver me the sight I have now.
I desire clarity, observance, peace, and fullness. It’s not that life is getting easier, it’s that I am getting sturdier.
Our emotions are here to teach us something, they are gifts from the body to squeeze and compress our Being so that we can be born again and again, each time bringing something new back to our communities, students, teachers, partners, and families.
Maybe all these stimulants we’ve been trained to understand as what helps us “live a little,” were in reality the force holding us back, in the physical, until we’re ready to accept truly, what it means to live.
Honor your own journey, every step should feel like one you’re meant to take, one that will lead you closer, to whatever we’re all trying to understand here. Allow your true authenticity to shine; when we be our true selves, it encourages others to do the same, and then, we can begin to heal.
Life is a dance.
Interested in committing yourself to a sober lifestyle but don’t know where to start? I’ve partnered with one of my favorite alcohol alternative companies who make tonics that have incredible health benefits !
Use Code: CHRISTIANI40 at checkout to get Feel Free by Botanic Tonics at a discounted rate— get ready to truly feel free from alcohol through the plant medicine of Kava!
